Coffee shops are places of community, peace and growth, but every once in a while they all become the venue for sickening awkwardness.
It’s only natural for us humans to experience moods and attitudes that lead us toward odd and abnormal behaviors, but it doesn’t have to be commonplace.
Consider these five ways that a coffee shop is transformed from a center for gentleness and learning to a cave of tension. You have probably witnessed some of these events, and maybe even been the perpetrator.
But now is the time to humble yourself and take very intentional steps toward avoiding these not-so-normal encounters.
I advise you to not do the following.
1. Stop up the toilet, walk out nonchalantly
We all stop up our share of toilets.
Most of the time it just isn’t our fault. Although there are ways of minimizing the risk of over-stuffing, such as a healthy diet and using conservative amounts of tissue paper, this event just happens.
It’s awkward to begin with, but the common occurrence of simply walking out like your business left no mess is simply insulting to the establishment, its employees, and your dignity.
Don’t be that guy. Own up to your messes.
For extra points, carry one of these around.
2. Meet EVERYBODY
Coffee shops tend to be pretty chill most of the time, with the occasional event that brings a more social atmosphere. While meeting people and progressing the community is generally encouraged, it can be taken too far.
There’s always that extremist who wants too badly to meet and know everybody in the shop. He’ll interrupt your homework, he’ll interrupt the musician, he’ll interrupt the baristas.
It’s good to interact with fellow coffee drinkers, but remember that they are probably there with purposes of their own.
3. Go behind the counter uninvited
If your brother owns the shop and you have all the baristas over for game night once a week, you’re probably good to behind the counter as you wish.
If you’re a random regular who’s barely on a first name basis with a few of the employees, just stay your distance.
Many shop owners are territorial and will feel invaded if you intrude on the employee’s space. It’s simply an odd thing to do and not really necessary in almost every circumstance.
Chances are you are not the coolest guy around, so don’t assume you can go wherever you please.
4. Flatulate very loudly
It’s natural, you don’t have to fear it. But really, if you’re gonna let go and it’s going to be an audible one, nobody will blame you if you take a quick stroll outside for some fresh air.
If the problem persists, visit the restroom for goodness sake. Just remember to claim your stopped up toilet if it comes to that.
5. Tell everyone about your relationship problems
I’m sorry your boyfriend or girlfriend is sending you mixed signals and appearing uninterested. I really am. But what you need to do is ingest a chill pill, take your coffee cup that’s been empty for two hours to the counter, and take a walk outside.
No offense, but it’s your boyfriend/girlfriend who needs to hear how you really feel, not the entire coffee shop.
Be patient with those who may act against this advice I am offering you, they are human too. But always be prepared to fight against the urge to be that guy.
You are now enlightened.
You now have no excuse.
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